Veni Vidi Vici
by CrazieDasie
Summary: James tells Remus and Sirius to beware the Ides of March causing Sirius to lose his mind.


**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, events and/or places that are recognized as being written and created by J.K. Rowling. J.K. Rowling owns all the characters and places from the Harry Potter books including the ones used in this story.**

A/N: This is just a funny one shot I wrote. Hope you all like it!

* * *

James is a tower in between them and the outside world. He has his feet spread and pressed against the sides of the door frame, his finger pointed straight at Sirius's heart. Between the minimal darkness of the dorm room and the blast of light streaming from the hallway, James looks backlit and insane.

"James move. We're going to be late," says Remus, trying his best to grab the reins of the situation and steer them away from James figuring out why Remus and Sirius were in a dark dorm room. Together. Making all the wrong kinds of noises.

James doesn't move. But he opens his mouth and says, "Beware the Ides of March."

"What?" says Sirius, instinctively stepping closer to Remus.

"Beware the Ides of March," repeats James.

Remus pushes Sirius to the side. "Alright Brutus, you made your point. Move."

"Who's Brutus?" asks James.

Remus growls and grabs Sirius's arm. "See? He doesn't even know what he's talking about." He pulls Sirius towards the door.

James moves but keeps his eyes slit and shifting between the two. "I may not know what I'm talking about," he says. "But that doesn't mean that you still shouldn't heed my warning."

"Yeah, yeah," says Remus yanking Sirius out of the room. "Ides of March. Beware them. Thank you."

James watches them walk away, then remembers he's in the same class, and hurries to catch up to them going down the stairs.

Sirius looks behind and over his shoulder. "Moony," he hisses. "He's following us."

"He has Transfiguration too." Remus looks over at Sirius, takes in the massive wide eyes, the worried lip, the red cheeks. "Sirius..."

"Today's March 14th," whispers Sirius almost to himself. "I don't know when those Ides are but they're going to be here soon. We're doomed!"

Remus grabs Sirius's hand and pulls him to the side of the hall. James passes, with Peter in tow, and points at them mouthing the word "Ides."

"Oh God," moans Sirius.

Remus slaps him.

"What the fuck, Moony!"

"Listen to me. Are you listening?" Remus grabs Sirius's face, making sure not to cover his ears. "Listen. Prongs is belligerent. OK? He's half insane on power. He doesn't know what Ides are, I'm surprised he even remembers its March. Just. Ignore. Him. Nothing's going to happen to you or me or us. He's just trying to scare us so that we'd stop-"

"Sexing?"

"Dating," Remus finishes in an annoyed monotone. "Alright, love. Ignore him."

"Yes, Moony," says Sirius. He kisses Remus on the nose with surprising swiftness and the two break into an air splitting run to make it to Transfiguration on time.

* * *

Everyone is already seated as they tumble through the door. Remus places his hands on the small of Sirius's back. "Sit next to Prongs," he hisses.

"No," S hisses back. "You sit next to Prongs."

"Sirius! Just…go." Remus tries to shove Sirius forward while Sirius grips onto the doorframe and pushes back against Remus.

"Don't make me, Moony!

They're grunting and hissing and grabbing onto obscene places when a shadow looms over them. "Black. Lupin." McGonagall's lip is a tight white line. "Get in this room right now and sit down."

They obey because to go against Minerva McGonagall is to commit a mortal sin punishable by death. Sirius leaps ahead of Remus, literally _leaps_. He uses the corner of Lily Evans's desk as leverage to catapult himself into the seat next to Peter. The rest of the class erupts into cheers over Sirius's feat of amazing agility. Remus claps, feeling a little dazed because Sirius's heavy boot hit him across the forehead. Even McGonagall looks momentarily impressed before she says "Lupin. Seat."

Remus nods and stumbles not nearly as smoothly as Sirius into the last empty chair. Next to James.

"Lupin, says James.

"I think I have a concussion," says Remus, grabbing the front of his face and trying to take control back over his drooping eyelids.

"Aha!" erupts James. McGonagall throws an eraser at him, but misses. It hits Remus in the nose. "So you admit it."

"Prongs," whispers Remus. He can feel the welt on his forehead, and he can smell the chalk on his face and why if this is a school for magic are they even using chalk? "Take your medication."

James leans closer to Remus. "I already did."

Remus groans and moves his chair as far away from the wild haired boy as possible. As far away as possible would be the other side of the Great Lake but that might make McGonagall mad and the less objects colliding with Remus's head this morning the better.

A wad of paper smacks his ear.

Remus opens it up and a black handkerchief with tiny silver motorbikes zooming all over it falls out. There's also a note. It reads: Sorry I broke your brain. Please wipe your face, it's unbecoming.

Remus looks to his left so that he can send Sirius an angry glare, but finds that instead he gets an eyeful and a mouthful of James Potter. Remus is so ready to kiss the stupid idiot and officially kill him when James grabs Remus's note and scurries back into his own area. "Evidence," says James, slipping the note into the pocket of his robe.

"For what?" mouths Remus.

James winks. "Just beware, Lupin."

"Of _what_?"

"Lupin? Do you know how to transfigure a butterfly into a slab of butter with a fly stuck in it?"

"No," Remus says to McGonagall. And when on God's earth will that spell ever benefit anyone?

"Then I suggest you quit exchanging spit with Potter-"

"What?" the whole class bursts out, Sirius the loudest.

"It's a term for talking, settle down, _sit down Black!_ Now, I have an extremely important and relevant spell to teach."

And with that, McGonagall spins back to face the board, James mouths "Ides" at Remus, and Remus wraps Sirius's handkerchief around his neck and pulls it tight.

* * *

After transfiguration is lunch. Usually they're pissing themselves with excitement over the prospect of food, but today Remus and Sirius would really rather be eating lunch off of Severus Snape's privates than sitting across from James and Peter. And that is saying something.

They sit like this: Peter next to James across from Remus next to Sirius across from James. It's a war zone. Lines have been drawn. Teams chosen. Remus has no fucking clue what is going on.

"Pass the bread. _Pad_foot."

"Reach for it yourself, _Prongs_."

"Don't use my name as an insult against me. Wormtail. Bread."

"Yes, commander!"

"Commander?" Sirius repeats.

At least James has enough brains in his head to blush. "That's right," he says.

"James.

Remus steeples his fingers against his mouth and fixes James with his professor stare. "When are the Ides of March?"

Sitting up tall and straight, James says "Whenever I want them to be." He waves a slice of bread around his head.

"No," says Remus. "No, no. That's not right at all."

"What's important," says James, slamming his bread down on his plate. "Is that they're coming."

"Prongs? Why are you doing this?" Sirius is barely holding it together.

"Do you even know what the Ides of March stand for?" asks Remus. He's going to win by drilling James with questions until his head implodes.

James shovels three heaping spoons of stew into his mouth. "Mmm," he says, pointing to his face.

"You're gross," says Remus.

"I will not allow you to speak that way to my commander," says Peter.

Remus gives him the infamous I Think You're Bonkers face. "I can break you in half, Peter. Don't forget it."

Peter looks at James and laughs. "Moony," he says, turning back to Remus. "You're a werewolf one night out of the month. Every other night you're a scrawny, passive-aggressive, book-loving, thinks your better than everyone ponce."

"_Wormtail_," James roars with laughter. Sirius sinks his head down, vibrating the table with his shaking shoulders. Remus stares. Just stares wide eyed at Peter like he's never seen anything like him before. "I can't believe you just _said_ that," laughs James.

Peter's face loses all color. "I thought we were being mean to each other," he says in a small voice.

"Oh God." Sirius picks his head up, wiping the streams of tears from his face. "That was funny."

"Do you really think that?" asks James. Remus is still frozen in shock.

"No," says Peter a little too quickly.

James and Sirius look at each other and burst out laughing again. "Come on Padfoot, let's go to Quidditch practice." James and Sirius stand up.

Sirius reaches down and closes Remus's mouth and pats him on the head. "Are we done with this whole Ides thing, Prongs?"

James, who came around to the other side of the table, lays his arm over Sirius's shoulders. "Oh no. _Beware_ the Ides of March."

* * *

Quidditch practice came and went. Peter apologized to Remus and tried to give him a back massage which Remus would have accepted if he felt like punishing himself. Where James or Sirius were, well Remus knew, because of the map. James is head-boying himself down in the dungeons and Sirius is in the library.

Sirius went to the library for two reasons: to make out with Remus behind the Wizarding Economics stacks or the place where no one ever went not even Pince, or…Remus hasn't thought of the second reason yet. So, why his boyfriend is in the library without him is making Remus very nervous.

But not nervous for long. Remus's drapes are torn open by Sirius who drops his body onto the bed in a outcry of squeaky springs. He pulls Remus's curtains closed. "Moony, I have bad news." Sirius grabs Remus and hugs him close.

"Why were you in the library?" asks Remus.

"I was reading-" says Sirius.

"Please don't say it."

"-about the Ides of March."

Remus groans and falls back on his pillows.

"It's horrible, Moony. That guy who's named after a salad gets murdered by the Ides."

"He doesn't-"

Sirius grabs Remus's cheeks and smushes them together. "James is going to stab me and you'll be left to rule Egypt all by yourself."

"Why am I Cleopatra?" Remus manages to say with his face pressed between Sirius's hands.

"Well," says Sirius, dropping his hands. "_I'm_ obviously Caesar."

"_Well_," says Remus, imitating Sirius's fake intellect voice. "_You_ look more like Cleopatra with the dark hair and I can't believe I'm participating in this conversation."

"Moony," wails Sirius. "Who cares, really? It's over. The Ides are March 15th and March 15th is in six hours, if that Shakespeare bloke was right…one of us is getting stabbed tomorrow."

Remus cradles Sirius against his chest. "Padfoot, I've _told_ you not to read Shakespeare."

"But he helps," says Sirius. "He helped me find a solution to this whole thing. We kill ourselves like Romeo and Juliet."

"How is that a _solution_?"

"I don't know. I don't know!" Sirius starts to bite his nails. Remus would be panicked for Sirius's mental health if Sirius's mental health wasn't lying sick in the hospital wing since first year.

He pats Sirius's knee. "We'll figure out something, OK?"

Sirius nods. Remus's curtains are pulled open suddenly. "Ides," James shouts pushing his head in just as fast as he pulls it out. Sirius screams like a bloody murder and buries his head under Remus's shirt.

* * *

The night passes without incident. Remus sits up in bed and yawns like a tiger.

His back cracks pleasantly and he snuggles deeper into his sheets one last time before he remembers that it is Saturday, March 15th.

Remus notices quickly that he is alone in the dorm, so he makes his way down to the common room.

Nothing odd there. Gryffindors are about laughing and studying and making general fools of themselves, but the three biggest fools are no where to be seen.

Remus walks across the room. "Hello Jack," he says to a blond boy sitting by the fireplace; a fifth year prefect that Remus often patrols with.

"Hi Remus. I'm surprised you're here."

"Why?" panics Remus.

Jack smiles, slow and excited. "You don't know?"

"Obviously not," Remus spits out at him.

Biting his lip, Jack nods towards the portrait hole. "I'd go down to the entrance hall right now. If I was you."

Luckily for Remus, Remus is Remus and so he runs like a bull to the entrance hall.

On a Saturday the entrance hall is a high traffic area. Students and Professors going this way and that, outside, back inside, mingling, visiting. Today though there seems to be more people standing around then actually going anywhere.

Remus slows his pace coming down the final staircase. It's crowed with students, straining to see over each other's heads. At the bottom of the steps are Peter and James. James is standing casually, with his back up against the banister and when Remus comes up next to him he slides his eyes over and sneers. Remus follows James's eyes back to the center of the hall and then he sees it.

Remus runs over to Sirius and grabs his elbow. "What are you doing?"

"Moony! You're awake! I'm protesting."

"Protesting what?"

"Who," corrects Sirius. He has a picket sign in his hand. He lets the handle fall to the floor, and uses it to lean on. "I'm protesting James Potter. The reign must end."

"Here, here," Severus Snape and Lily Evans say simultaneously. The two are circling around Remus and Sirius, with their own picket signs raised high in the air.

"Why are you here?" Remus goes against everything sanitary and grabs Snape's arm to make him stop.

Snape stands shoulder to shoulder with Sirius. "This is a cause I can get behind," he says, glaring at James still leaning against the staircase. "I too would like a put a stop to that insufferable git, with his strutting, and his big mean attitude problem, and his stupid…oh I _hate_ him."

"This guy," Sirius laughs, slapping Snape on the back. "He's not a bad guy."

"Are you _mental_?" Remus grabs Sirius by the hair and pulls him away from Snape. "You just called Snivellus not a bad guy? What's the _matter_ with you?"

"Nothing!" Sirius squirms away from Remus. "He's part of the revolution, man. And he made these wicked signs."

Remus takes a hold of Sirius's sign and flips it up so he can properly read it. "Potter is a Notter. That's really creative, Severus," says Remus sarcastically.

"_I_ thought so," says Snape, rejoining the circle that Lily Evans had been keeping up this whole time.

Remus watches Lily march past him. "Aren't you Head Girl?" he calls to her. Lily. Lily is sane, Remus _knows_ it. If anyone is a shining beacon of normalcy and intelligence its Lily. God she better be, Remus thinks.

"Yes, that is correct," says Lily, stopping her marching in front of Remus.

"So why are you participating in this?" Remus asks each word slowly, drawing out the syllables and vowels with exact precision.

"Because as a woman frequently harassed by Mister Potter, I feel it is my feminine duty to protest against his wild ways until a resolution is achieved. Plus-" Lily rises up onto her toes to whisper into Remus's ear. "I think Black's going to snap any second and I really want to be first on the scene." Lily spins away from him and the three continue on circling the entrance hall, waving their picket signs.

"Sirius?" calls Remus. "Padfoot? Come here."

Sirius begins to move towards him. "Don't you dare break the circle Black," yells Snape.

"If we break the circle he wins," shouts Lily.

Sirius looks at Remus like a lost puppy. "I can't break the circle Remus." Then he smiles and holds his hand out. "March _with_ me my love!"

Lily and Snape exchange a brief curious look.

Remus feels his face go beet red. "No."

"Come on, Moony."

"March Lupin!"

"Remus! Fight the power with us!"

Remus closes his eyes, inhales, and joins the circle. He takes pace next to Sirius. "I am _not_ carrying a sign," he says to Snape, who is trying to force a sign into Remus's hand. "Sirius, listen." Remus walks as close to Sirius as physically possible and whispers "How about you and I sneak up to the Shrieking Shack and I give you a blow job. Will that make you feel better?"

Sirius whimpers with dazed eyes and nods. Then shakes his head. "Don't tempt me with your sexual advances, Moony! The Ides are here and there's no telling what James might do!"

"James," shouts Remus. "Is standing right there doing absolutely nothing!" James sends them a tiny salute and continues to watch the protest against him with mild amusement. "Alright." Remus marches to the middle of the circle. "Lily, Snape, and Sirius! Front and center."

The three scurry over. "We broke the circle," growls Lily. "This better be good."

"Oh, it's good," says Remus. "I'm calling an end to this right now." Remus points to James. "Look at him! This isn't even fazing him!"

"Lupin's right," says Snape. "We're getting no where."

"I have a plan," says Remus. They lean in to him. "No. No. You two need to find something better to do."

Snape turns to Lily. "Do you want to make-out behind the Wizarding Economics section with me?"

Lily's face contorts like someone sprayed tart lemon and pepper spray directly in her mouth. "I'll pass," she coughs out.

Snape scowls and flies away in a whoosh of black robes. Lily points to her mouth and flies off towards the Girl's Bathroom. With the show over, the crowd around the entrance hall disperses.

"What you got, Lupin?" whispers Sirius.

"We need to lure James to come and talk to us sensibly. We need a trap." Remus thinks for a second. "What is the one thing James Potter loves more than himself, Quidditch, muggle crayons, chocolate frog cards, Lily Evans, and wanking?"

Sirius looks up at the ceiling and then gasps. "That's perfect!" Sirius steps closer to Remus, with his eyes slit and glowing, and grabs the fly of Remus's trousers. "You are so brilliant Moony, I need to go down on you _right now_." Sirius starts to drop to his knees but Remus hauls him back up. "We're in the _entrance hall_," he hisses. Remus sees McGonagall advancing on them and pulls Sirius towards the staircase that leads to Gryffindor Tower.

* * *

Remus is under his bed. It's undignified. He's hit his head twice already and he has gotten dust all over his favorite black pants. But it's all for the greater good. The greater good being getting James to act like a normal boy and confront them with words and not by psychologically tearing Sirius apart.

Sirius is in wait behind the door to attack when Remus gives him the go ahead.

The room smells delicious.

A loud snorting laugh and a high pitch squeal accompany James and Peter into the dorm. "And then I said…Oh my God why are there _pancakes_ in here?" James's eyes focus on the table in the middle of the room.

In the middle of the room is a table. A table offering plate after plate after pile of pancakes. Chocolate chip pancakes, and blueberry pancakes, strawberry, banana, and raspberry pancakes. Pancakes that are tiny and pancakes that are bigger than James's head. Some are covered with powdered sugar, some are covered in cinnamon. There are bowls of syrup and honey and plates of butter.

And there is a note. A tiny note that reads: Enjoy.

James has never moved so fast.

"Who did this?" asks Peter, grabbing a plate himself.

"I can't talk," says James. "My mouth is filling with saliva."

James starts to pile his plate with his all time number one favorite food ever. All Remus has to wait for is James to turn, to walk away from the table with his plate to full to hold any more and then he'll sick Sirius on him.

"You know what?" James waves his wand. A chair appears. "I'm just going to sit here and eat off the table. Mum's not here to yell, right? Excellent!" James sits down and Remus wants to hex him so badly.

Remus looks at Sirius who is shrugging and looking altogether out of ideas. Looking back at the table, Remus sees something come in from the open window next to Sirius's bed. It's orange and black and red and so small. It flutters down onto the table the best of coincidences. _Wow_, Remus thinks. _I guess that spell does come in handy_. Remus does some rather complicated wand movements that words can't even describe and where there was a butterfly is now…

"Ew," screams James. "There's a fly stuck in this butter! Ew! EW!" James jumps out of his chair.

"Sirius! Now!" shouts Remus.

Sirius lets loose a wild battle cry and charges at James. "Fuck," gasps Sirius as he falls onto the floor.

"Oh no, oh no," James is chanting and staring in horror at Sirius.

"What happened?" asks Peter, fork half way to his mouth.

"I stabbed him with my butter knife!"

Sirius looks up from the floor. "Not you, James?" he croaks.

Remus scrambles over to Sirius and roughly inspects his entire body. "He's fine. You're fine. I don't even see a snag in your clothes."

"These clothes were expensive there better not be a snag."

"What's going on?" asks James.

Remus faces him, stares him down. He uses professor stare version 2.0, the I mean business professor stare. "We're going to stop this whole nonsense right now."

James glares at him. "It would have never begun if you just told me that you two were together!" James's expression turns to hurt and he looks down at Sirius. "Padfoot? Why didn't you tell me you were with Remus?"

"Moony made me," Sirius says immediately.

"Moony?

Remus looks down at his feet. "We were going to tell you. Honestly!"

"It would have been nice if you did. Instead I had to walk in on you doing…" James looks off in the distance.

Peter comes up behind James and pats his shoulder. "James saw you two, whatevering, and I think his brain might have exploded."

Sirius springs up to his feet. "So, there's no Ides?"

"No," says James, coming back down to Earth. "I just wanted to put the fear of James Potter in you. And it so worked you befriended Snape it worked so good."

Sirius scowls, but smiles at the same time. "James, me and Remus are together."

James smiles too. "I know." James pretends to wipe a tear from his face. "Group hug, men."

They all hug.

"In celebration," announces Sirius. "Let's all have some pancakes."

"No, wait!" James grabs Sirius's arm. "There's a fly stuck in the butter."


End file.
